


Verbal Confusion of a Minor Degree

by thisiswhyishouldntwritefanfic



Series: Relative Innocence [9]
Category: Heathers (1988)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Some Humor, Weird Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-14 00:13:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14123931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisiswhyishouldntwritefanfic/pseuds/thisiswhyishouldntwritefanfic
Summary: Veronica confronts JD about something that's missing and the conversation goes in circles.





	Verbal Confusion of a Minor Degree

**Author's Note:**

> Um... I will just say my brain was dead after work and I couldn't do updates, so I did random almost humor that may not be as funny as I think it is because I have no real function left in my brain. This universe somehow is a bit of a safety net, though I wouldn't mind being able to have fun one-shots for any of them if I knew what to do.
> 
> I can't even explain this one. It just... happened?

* * *

“I lost our baby.”

JD lifted an eyebrow, looking up from his psychology book. “You had better be talking about one of Enid's quaggans.”

Veronica folded her arms over her chest. “Seriously? That's all the reaction I get from you at those words?”

“If you were expecting panic and hysteria and grief, might I remind you that this living arrangement of ours is platonic and I think, as misused and archaic as the term is becoming, people classify me as a sociopath?”

Veronica rolled her eyes. “Only you call yourself a sociopath.”

“Because to the rest of the world either believes I'm dead or has no idea who I really am,” he said, reaching up to take his glasses off. “Why are we trying for a shock reaction, anyway? You could have picked much better one if you wanted that. I mean, Vegas gives you so much ammunition and you choose that, of all things?”

She sat down on the armrest next to him. “I wasn't joking.”

“Um, pretty sure you have to be. Unless I was really, really drunk, in which case, shame on you, Agent Hansen.”

“You are such a dick.”

“And yet you wanted me back in your life. I think we should talk to one of these experts and have you analyzed. Or maybe you're just addicted to bad decisions. Joining the Heathers, dating me, marrying Hansen... Oh, and we could even add in that whole thing in the kitchen where you—”

“The bonsai tree Heather McNamara gave us as a housewarming gift.”

“Why are we discussing that hideous thing? It looked like it had crawled out of Poison Ivy's toxic greenhouse and died a horrific death.”

“It did not,” Veronica said. “And do not say that in front of her again. She almost cried. She did hug it and say it was just a baby.”

He rubbed his forehead. “That is the baby of which you speak?”

“Yes.”

“Ask Enid for pointers on how to 'troll' someone, will you? That was terrible.”

Veronica picked up a pillow and hit him with it. “Did you or did you not murder the plant?”

“Your accusation offends me.”

“Where is the plant, JD?”

“Ask Enid. I don't touch the vegetation.” 

“Oh, sure, blame Enid.”

“It is one of her most useful qualities and half the reason I keep her around, or had you missed that one? For shame. I thought FBI agents were more observant than that.”

“Again, you're a dick.”

He smiled at her. “And the fact that you had to repeat that just means I won. You can't even come up with a creative insult.”

“Then you did take the plant.”

“No.”

“Like I believe that.”

“Your trust issues are on record.”

“With good reason. You lie. A lot.”

He shrugged. “I never said I didn't, though in this case, I am once again innocent. I didn't touch the tree. I wouldn't. It was green. And alive. And gross.”

She rolled her eyes. “You are such a child.”

“Emotionally stunted, yes, I agree. Nevertheless, my dearest Ronnie, I didn't touch the plant, so if you want to find it, ask Enid. Or perhaps McNamara herself. She may have found my words and your face—because you so made a face at the sight of the thing—less than encouraging when it came to taking care of this 'baby' of ours.”

Veronica eyed him, considering his words and trying to decide if she actually could believe him. She probably had this debate with herself at least once a day, which made her desire to have him as any part of her life, let alone this close, completely insane at best.

“Where would Enid have put the plant?”

“We're talking about Enid, so... It's either in some weird shrine or the garbage.”

Veronica frowned. “Now you're screwing with me.”

“Enid's mind is a strange place to navigate, not as twisted as mine, but close, thanks to her unfortunate genetics. I'm leaning toward the shrine, actually. I think she had a crush on Ralph Macchio when she was little and watched _The Karate Kid_ too many times.”

“Now I know you're kidding.”

“Have you missed her doing _wax on, wax off_ when she thinks no one's looking? Because I certainly didn't.”

Veronica grimaced. “I now have a mental image of that poor tree with her quaggans and... ugh...”

“You're welcome.”

She shook her head and he just smirked at her. She considered her options and decided a bit of payback was only fair. She leaned over and kissed him, hearing his glasses drop onto the floor and withdrew with a smirk of her own.

“Um... what was that?”

“A bit of a taste of what you're not going to get because you spent the morning screwing with me.”

“Um. One, word choice. Two... You... don't actually mean we could have...?”

“I guess you'll never know, will you?” Veronica said, smiling as she went back to her room, a bit afraid to see what might be in Enid's. Some things were better left unseen.


End file.
